Feb 06 2006
2006 Democrat Contract With Al Qaeda
I was listening to Rush Limbaugh today on my way to an afternoon meeting and he kept going on and on about the ‘Terrorist Bill of Rights’, which I thought was exactly what the Democrats seem to represent these days.
So, in a blatant rip-off of Rush’s excellent analogy, and another rip-off from the 1994 Congressional Republican Contract With America, I decided to save the liberal Democrats some time and create for them ‘The 2006 Congressional Democrat Contract With Al Qaeda to provide the same clarity of purpose and promise the Republicans provided America back in 1994.
This 2006 Congressional Democrat Contract With Al Qaeda lays out what the Democrat Party promises to do if they are given majorities in Congress this fall:
As Democrat Members of the House of Representatives, and as citizens seeking to join that body, we propose not just to change current policies, but even more important, to restore the bonds of trust between the people and their elected representatives.
That is why, in this era of official evasion and posturing, we offer instead a detailed agenda for national renewal, a written commitment with no fine print. We call this our Contract With Al Qaeda”
This year’s election offers the chance, after 4 years of one-party control, to bring to the House a new majority that will transform the Nation’s policies towards Al Qaeda. That historic change would be the end of government that is too focused in Iraq, too intrusive, and too obsessed with possible terrorist attacks. It can be the beginning of a Congress that respects the privacy of all peoples, including members of Al Qaeda here in the US.
On the first day of the 104th Congress, the new Democrat majority will immediately pass the following major legislation, aimed at restoring the pre 9-11 mirage of security and world harmony and ending this Administration’s policies for National Security:
FIRST, we will finally kill the Patriot Act so that no member of Al Qaeda will fear using our libraries to access international websites, access their email, or do basic research on major US installations and population centers. We will guarantee full privacy due anyone who makes it to our shores without question. In addition, we will roll back all provisions that put terrorism on an equal footing with Drug Traffickers and Organized Crime, which we understand greatly insults members of Al Qaeda who consider themselves above drug lords.
SECOND, We will enact legislation to release all Al Qaeda members now held in custody in the GITMO Gulag, while providing legal counsel to all who have been unfairly detained during this unfortunate international misunderstanding between Al Qaeda and America. We will ensure all detainees have options for bail and parole so they can continue with their life’s efforts while the legal issues surrounding their detention are worked out. Every ex-detainee will be provided the services of an ACLU lawyer.
THIRD, we will pass legislation ensuring that all Al Qaeda members will be free from government monitoring of their phone calls and emails with comrades back home monitored without probable cause. Probable cause will not include the normal desire to call home to friends and family. We see this act as protecting US citizens and Al Qaeda alike from warrantless surveillance.
FOURTH, as part of our revamping of immigration laws, we will ensure Al Qaeda members are treated the same as any other illegal immigrant now in America. We will provide you amnesty, a driver’s license, health care and education support once you are able to sneak past our borders.
FIFTH, as with warrantless electronic surveillance and in anticipation of pending civil lawsuits, we plan to pass legislation that bans warrantless searches of person and luggage at airports and other major transportation centers. It makes no sense to allow random searches of travelers if we are going to end targeted surveillance of communications. And we find both actions to be religious profiling and against the common sense norms of all liberal Americans.
SIXTH, Also, in line with the unfair targeting of Al Qaeda communications and persons travelling, we plan to submit legislation ending the practice of no-fly lists. This practice is biased towards people with common names and has limited the rights to travel of nuns and babies in the past.
SEVENTH, in an effort to demonstrate our sincere apologies for the actions of President Bush towards Al Qaeda, we plan to return the State of Iraq to the despot dictator of Al Qaeda’s choice by calling for the immediate withdrawal of our military forces to the safety of European soil. We encourage Al Qaeda to do what they please with the Iraqi people.
EIGHTH, we will submit and pass legislation that will mandate any questioning by US agents of Al Qaeda members to (a) be done in the presence of an ACLU lawyer, (b) never last more than 30 minutes, (c) be done indoors, in climate controlled conditions, (d) include an offering of proper food and beverage and (e) require every question to use the word ‘please’.
NINETH, we promise to immediately begin impeachment of Al Qaeda’s most dangerous enemy, the Imperial President W Bush, and we will promise to not stop our efforts until we have removed this thorn in Al Qaeda’s side – even if we have to make up scandals to get it done.
We the undersigned candidates of the Democrat National Party do swear that if elected, and given control of the House of Representatives and the Senate, we will enact the above Contract With Al Qaeda.
[…] I was doing my typically nightly surfing and I came across this wonderful link and thought that it should be shared with all who surf. […]
In the past few months ,I have heard all of the Democrat Leadership say all of these things. Oh wait ,there are no Democrat Leaders.
Well, the usual Senators from Mass. and NY.Durban has actually said worse.
I sent a link to some friends. Nice job, strata.
Hee!
Send it to Ted Kennedy, He’d think it a good idea.
Got the link from Powerline, nice site, but dude, you lookin’ for a fatwah? Lumping Al Qaeda in with the Democrats is likely to piss them off. I’m mean, c’mon, even terrorists have standards.
[…] The Strata-Sphere » Blog Archive » 2006 Democrat Contract With Al Qaeda So, in a blatant rip-off of Rush’s excellent analogy, and another rip-off from the 1994 Congressional Republican Contract With America, I decided to save the liberal Democrats some time and create for them ‘The 2006 Congressional Democrat Contract With Al Qaeda to provide the same clarity of purpose and promise the Republicans provided America back in 1994. […]
You forgot to add that, if an Al Quaeda member does happen to be arrested, tried, convicted, and sent to prison for an act of terrorism, Democrats will work to insure that they will have a vote in our political system.
Brilliant, AJ. Simply brilliant.
Democrats Contract with the Devil
AJ Strata has the plan here. Excellent!
ACLU Condemns Gonzales For Protecting National Security
ACLU Press Release
Appearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee today, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales failed to answer direct, yet simple questions from senators surrounding the warrantless surveillance of Americans by the National Security Age…
The sad thing is that most of that really does apply to many liberals in the USA, especially the DailyKos variety. For normal Democrats though, I would see this as a function of them being the opposition party in today’s politics. Most of the time they don’t have any better ideas on how to get the job done, so they just oppose whatever the Bush administration is doing. Be that the no-fly list, warrantless searches at the airport, providing immediate legal counsel to terrorists, or giving Iraq back to the islamofascists.
I have seen this phenomenon here in Norway, where the opposition parties suddenly found themselves elected to the government, and suddenly realized that most of the things they had advocated were either unrealistic or just plain stupid.
You learn a lot from being given responsibilities. If there was one reason I wanted to see the Democrats win in 2004, or even now in 2006, it would be to refresh them on exactly that. I have a favorite quote that I use on my blog, a quote that John F. Kennedy was supposed to say if he hadn’t been assassinated, and which I think summarizes this as aptly as it always has:
“There will always be dissident voices heard in the land, expressing opposition without alternatives, finding fault but never favor, perceiving gloom on every side and seeking influence without responsibility. Those voices are inevitable.”
Contract With Al Qaeda
At The Srata-Sphere, AJStrata has posted The 2006 Congressional Democrat Contract With Al Qaeda. It’s easy for the Democrats to sit back take potshots at everything being done to win the War Against Terror and not offer alternatives. AJ’s post takes …
Ouch!
Strata-Sphere came up with an interesting notion, fueled by an idea heard on the Rush Limbaugh show. He figures that the Democrats needs a unifying concept as powerful as the Republicans had in the 90s with Newt Gingrich’s “Contract With America…
[…] A.J. Strata (via Powerline) has taken those statements and created a “Contract With Al Qaeda†for the Party. The last in this 9-point contract we find NINE, we promise to immediately begin impeachment of Al Qaeda’s most dangerous enemy, the Imperial President W Bush, and we will promise to not stop our efforts until we have removed this thorn in Al Qaeda’s side – even if we have to make up scandals to get it done. […]
[…] 1. Democrats are helping the terrorists. 2. The President is right. 3. You gotta problem with that? […]
And Tenth . . . NO MORE CARTOONS!
How much does a full page ad in the Times cost?
I’ve got twenty bucks!
Well, since you bring up the “Contract With America,” perhaps we could quote the first two items our Republican leaders of yore found important to include:
FIRST, require all laws that apply to the rest of the country also apply equally to the Congress;
Apparently the executive is exempt from this clause?
SECOND, select a major, independent auditing firm to conduct a comprehensive audit of Congress for waste, fraud or abuse;
Time will tell if the political pressure leading to the current investigation will lead to a sincere “audit” of the apparent disregard for the law by the Bush administration. But you’re not concered with the law, are you? Rather try to fit any oversight into the talking point of “Democrats = soft on terror”?
[…] The 2006 Democrat Contract with Al-Qaeda (which really should be the 2006 Specter-McCain-Democrat Contract with Al-Qaeda): […]
AJ, nice post but I think that this is a little too brainy for dems. I think you can divide the dems into into two distinctive camps; those that are salivating for a return to congressional and presidential power and will do anything to attain it; those that sincerely believe that all the worlds ills are caused by the USA and if we would just unilaterally disarm and extend a helping hand, all peoples or the world would quit fighting and sing ‘kumbaya’. Now I will agree that dispite the dems intentions, the result will basically be the nine tenets you have so brilliantly described, and we would all be dead or slaves of Islam.